Digging Deeper

How many times have we blamed another person for being at fault when really, on a deeper level, they are just a reflection of our soul, how we truly view ourselves?

 

Last week, I shared 3 things I have been doing that allowed me to build faith in myself and further journey along this path of personal growth. Today, I wanted to follow up and just share more on those ideas and my hope is that something from my continuing journey will resonate with yours.

Create and Introspective Environment

In order to tap into myself, I first had to create an environment where I felt safe enough to sit and wonder. When I first started on this journey of personal growth, well, I didn't know how to even start. So I read, and every book that has anything to do with personal development, self-help, self-discover (every other name you can think to give it), they all said the same thing - create an environment that cultivates a creative atmosphere (at least that's how it translated to me).

Decorate a space with your favorite colors, light candles, use mineral stones or quartz crystals, go to a separate room or just create a small space within your studio with pillows. The idea is to build a home within your home that no matter what happens outside of that space, when you enter it, you are isolated from the world outside of the space you created. For me, it starts at my desk, a small unassuming L-shaped desk in the corner space of my dining room (which doesn't have a dining table soooo I guess it's not really a dining room then, hmm). I have it decorated with a whiteboard, laptop, a candle, a couple favorite items that were gifted to me and offers me the gift of a smile every time I look at them, a current stack of about 5 books - a couple spiritual books, a fiction book, and some writing resource books -, a journal, and a planner. This space I created to be my creation station. When I sit down in the chair I should either be writing or reading and if I'm not doing anything, I have to leave the chair immediately (a trick I picked up from a recent book I read).

Adjacent to my desk is a fireplace. This is where I have my most introspective moments. I sometimes take my candle and light it along with the flames of the fireplace (its not a log fire, so the sounds of the candle flickering adds a nice crackling sound). I like to sit in front of the fire and just be. Clear my mind and flow alongside the flames, letting my thoughts come and go as they please, trying not force anything. In these moments, my biggest discoveries of self have come to me, and when they do, I transfer over to my creation station and capture my interpretations. It's an ever evolving process that each time I do it, I become more confident in myself, in my understanding of myself. The introspection can go on for minutes or hours at a time... it all depends on the how far down the "WHY" tunnel I go.

Ask "WHY".... Then ask AGAIN

After creating the environment, it's important to start asking questions, but not just any question. They need to be the right questions, and how I do that is by asking myself, "WHY?" Why am I feeling this way, which then leads to a "What" question: What is this feeling in the first place, then Where is this feeling coming from, where does it sit inside my body, etc. I keep asking these question over and over until it gets to a source. Then I ask the all important question of "WHY?" Why is this triggered in this moment, and so on and so on.

When I first started (and even still there are moments when I feel this presently) I hated to sit with myself. I'd ask myself 1 question, and come up with some random superficial answer and feel like I accomplished so great feat, then go back to whatever distraction I was craving in the moment. It wasn't until I got into a relationship (more on that in the next part) and more importantly, an encouraging relationship, that I realized how superficial I had been in my growth. I assumed that, as I grew and gained world experiences, then my understanding of myself would grow alongside it. Man, did I quickly learn how wrong I was. True, over time I did gain experience, however, I never took the time to LEARN from those experiences, intentionally. I didn't put in the work to sit with the choices I had made and see how I was affected at a deeper level, nor how my past experiences had affected me in the decisions I made. I wasn't asking myself the RIGHT questions, nor was I asking myself enough questions, which is funny in itself, because can you really ever ask yourself "enough" questions? Anyways, it was this painful realization that I had been treating my own growth as an a waste of time, that changed how I thought about myself. Now, I can sit with myself, jussssssst a little bit longer, lol. But still, even that wasn't the hardest part in building faith in myself... it's what comes after that.

Allow Myself to be Vulnerable... WITH OTHERS

Like I said a second ago, I feel that this part is my most difficult part, and therefore the most important part to me. I've created my physical space, which can be seen as a fun activity in itself. Then, I painfully learned to sit with myself, intentionally asking myself hard soul searching questions, and staying with the feelings they bring up until I can process it and why. But then, trusting MYSELF to share the discoveries I've made with another person is frightening. The innermost demons, the imperfections, the flaws not only caused to me but caused by me.

Over the years, I had built this callousness in myself to block out all the negativity of my past. I had used this as a tool to say how positive of a person I was because I was living in a numb state, constantly moving forward without really acknowledging the hurt I've felt.  This is something I still struggle with, but now, I know my "WHY" and it's because I've always seen myself as a loner, and that no one would want to hear about my problems. I'd take on other peoples problems, take on their emotions and feelings, but never feel comfortable with sharing my own. It wasn't because of them, but because I didn't even know myself, or trust myself to share with another soul. I didn't think my problems were worthy of being heard by myself, yet alone another person.

Well, I know now, how wrong that was, and If you can relate to that feeling, you too have a story, a life worth sharing.

Thank you, for hanging out with me today as I dug a little deeper than before. I hope if anything, I inspired a small thought with you. And with that...

LET'S KEEP GROWING!

Jamal Henderson